Now, I never thought that I would ever see the inside of a fast food restaurant, but thanks to those masters of creative repurposing, FastBuck, it's now safe for the smart young foodie to pass under the golden arches. The team behind White Capsule and Bar-ger King have done it again: they've taken a mainstay of mainstream American fast-food and brought it up to fine dining standards, while ironically preserving the original ambience.
And so, one late Wednesday morning I ventured to MacDonald's ( 1124 Honeywell St., Long Island City) to see about some brunch. Several likeminded adventurers were waiting outside, tweeting each other and waiting to be pinged to their table. As we waited, a few locals, baffled by the exterior, wandered in, and then right back out, apparently unable to fathom irony.
Once I was seated, I looked over the Value-Added Meal menu and found an interesting appetizer: Chicken MacNuggets ($15)
The hand-formed nuggets of pastured pedigreed Barbu d'Uccle chicken breast are breaded with crumbled pane casareccio from Il Forno Caterers, then panfried in Mongolian dromedary hump oil. The dipping sauce is a pomegranate/Chilean wildflower honey reduction with Brown Turkey figs, coarsely ground Aleppo pepper, sriracha, Tuthilltown bourbon, ras-el-hanout, preserved lemon peel, heirloom habanero chile, vinegar of Bartolo Mascarello 1989 barolo, Bartlett pear, grains of paradise and Virginia Dare Red Color. This simple glaze perfectly overwhelms the subtle flavors of the nugget.
Our cicerone recommended the Fentiman's Dandelion & Burdock Cola ($6) as a suitable pairing, and my tastebuds benefited immensely from his impeccable taste and encyclopedic knowledge of soda. The main course arrived after a respectful ninety minutes of slow-food languor: The Big Mc with Fries ($28)
As high as my expectations were, I was not prepared for the masterful alchemy of ingredients that comprised this re-interpreted classic sandwich. The beef patties are hand formed from 100% locally-sourced, grass finished, home schooled, pro-active, mollycoddled Black Angus cattle. According to Gullible Manhattan, the music of Sting is played in the slaughterhouse to insure a peaceful departure.
The patties are then char-broiled over palo santo wood, with fire passed from the Olympic torch. The two outer buns are sesame kaiser, and an extra center bun is sourdough challah, all baked on premises. Adorning the sandwich are mascarpone cheese, homemade heirloom tomato and okra ketchup, garlic pickles from Greenpoint Brinery, shredded heirloom Bibb lettuce, Vidalia onion, and a secret special sauce made of bacon-infused mayonnaise (I LOVE bacon!), diced bread-and-butter pickles from The Triangle Gherkin Factory, and saffron.
The French fried potatoes are hand-cut heirloom Vienna Fingerlings, seasoned with black pepper spray and Indonesian Kalak Numakala ("child laborers' tears") salt, then deep fried in polar bear grease.
I must digress here to mention the decor. Anyone who's been to Di Faro's Pizza can appreciate the gritty charm of an unswept, dirty dining area. With a knowing wink, the MacDonald's crew neglects to wipe the tables, restock the napkin dispensers or mop the floors, giving the space an urban edginess and a real simulated "dive bar" look. Expensive dining doesn't always have to be a fancy affair. It's fun to dress down and go slumming once and a while! Unfortunately, the previous occupants of my table had thoughtlessly cleared it of condiment globs and crumpled napkins, so I slipped the server a ten and asked her to dump some floor sweepings from a dustpan onto my table. This little touch of authenticity completed my dining experience.
The bill came to $90 with tip, which isn't so bad for lunch. As I stepped out onto the sidewalk, drinking in the babble of tongues and pallette of complexions that makes Queens such an exotic foodie destination, I wondered why fast food gets such a bad reputation. My meal was inexpensive and delicious, and only took up a mere four hours of my afternoon. One of these days I might just pop into a little taqueria by my condo and spend the afternoon. It called Taco Bell. Ever hear of it?
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